Share and Share Alike

I was recently involved in a heated conversation with colleagues at The Manor about an article stating that kinky sex and polyamory are good for you.

This may be true. I do agree that sex as a rule is good for you in many ways. Kinky sex may even be better--all that stretching. The best work out program-ever, the best drugs freely available to create and maintain the peace inside you and, toss in a little pain or denial to build up your desire and everyone will want to know your secret to happiness.

Polyamory is not something I have ever considered for myself. I have loved, lost and loved again, so, I know that there is more than one… however, personally I have never loved more than one at a time. I know many polyamorous people who lead happy lives when they work within the boundaries they have created, but it is not my choice.

Many cultures throughout history, and currently, believe in having more than one spouse or lover. In some countries where religion and government haven’t suppressed free thought completely a mistress is considered de riquer and is not only acceptable to the wife, but often she is involved in a tryst of her own.

Many would cry foul, but if it is agreed upon between two adults ahead of time, who are we to judge? Can we not love others in different ways? Are there seasons of our life when we need fulfillment in other ways? What of the age-old parental dilemma when a child says ‘you love my brother more than me’? Is that true or is it simply that we love each individual uniquely?

So what is your point, Genevieve? While I believe everyone has a right to experience pleasure in any way they choose as long as no one is harmed, the absolute is: honesty. Absolute honesty. Communication in these types of relationships are paramount to maintain their success and bring pleasure to all. My point is, that any sexual interaction with intent whether it be IRL, a phone call, text or online can be construed as ‘cheating’ if you’re in a committed relationship. It is the intent to deceive and not simply the sex itself.

Many can justify that if I am not physically having intercourse it is not sex. Perhaps if I simply omit the details, is not outright lying, so it is ok. If I lie to protect my partner, it is better. But what of the emotional attachments that may be involved in these interactions? If you’re not chatting pure sex just to get off, but using these interactions to relate the intimacy then is it simply sex? Is not breaking the trust of intimacy more cruel than a simple physical act… So what? While inserting tab A into slot B can be a purely physical act like scratching an itch, it is when the emotional connection happens that it all changes.

When I make an emotional connection with someone, my body tends to agree and I am only interested in sharing it where the connection lies. When I was younger, sex was a different story than it is now. I experimented, I looked for physical pleasure, but could not seem to grasp the brass ring. The physical act without the connection holds little sway with me, but with history and the wisdom that comes from living, I have found the greatest pleasure I have ever known through true intimacy. The profound sense of peace that comes from vulnerability, allowing another to truly see you. The pure joy of letting go.

So, your lover not feeling like quite enough? Thinking a little strange would set you right? Afraid you’ve missed out on so many choices? Then be honest with your partner or take the risk. My suggestion would be that instead you work on building the intimacy in your current relationship first, because it will give you pleasure beyond your wildest dreams. And while you might think there are many beautiful bodies or different techniques yet to be discovered, you might not find what you are looking for without that connection.

I guess if I want to be happy and healthy, I am going to have to seriously ramp up the whole kinky sex thing because while I am all for plenty of sex, I do not feel that polyamory would be a good fit for me. Unless of course, my partner would go for a threeesome… 

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